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Favorite Flower

Diagnosis

It begins with a diagnosis: breast cancer. It is the result of my personal discovery followed by three mammograms, two ultrasounds, two biopsies (mammogram/ultrasound-guided), and three pathology reports. 

I am assigned a Breast Care Navigator (BCN), who is a kind voice on the phone, well-meaning, always informative and (unfortunately) a bit over-exuberant. The BCN becomes a team of two, and these nurses are available to answer my questions at any time, coordinate my new cancer care "team," offer helpful suggestions and vetted links (to prevent the middle-of-the-night Google search), and the inside scoop into what comes next. 

What comes next is a meeting with a surgeon. He is straightforward, optimistic, and answers my list of questions and Rick's. He also surprises me by listening to my heart (prompted by my questions about the relationship of surgery to my heart defect), which I appreciate immensely. 

On the horizon are appointments with two different oncologists and an MRI. 

Now we wait. I am coming to think that the waiting is a regular part of the regular cycle—a rush of actions followed by the waiting. 

The Facts (as I understand them so far)

The cancer is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It is one of the most common breast cancers, which also means there is a lot of data about treatment options. It is located in one breast (left) and is a single, self-contained mass about the size of the end of my thumb (2 cm). It tests high for estrogen and progesterone, which I am told means that it is still in an early stage and working on growing itself rather than trying to grow in other places. Under these conditions, it is Stage 2. 

All of this is good news in terms of treatment. The surgeon suggests that, if conditions remain the same, successful treatment could be a localized, breast-saving surgical procedure to remove the mass along with an appropriate cushion of cells and any "sentinel" lymph nodes as identified at the time of the procedure. Follow-up treatment would be targeted radiation. Final recommendations depend on a couple more pieces of data still outstanding.

The Unknowns

I mean, I have a list, but let's start with these: 

• MRI is scheduled for 4/27 to provide a different view for another layer of data so that the care team can make informed recommendations for surgery and follow-up treatment. 

• HER2 pathology testing has been done on the original biopsy samples. I can see what the report says but don't know how to interpret it. I do know that everyone wants that information to (again) make informed recommendations. 

How am I doing? How can you help?

Those questions. I don't have good answers. Here's my attempt in the moment. 

Physically I am fine, except for the anxiety, migraines, and insomnia. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I've been baking a lot (it helps me think). To make bread is a tactile process to create something life-giving.

I've also been breaking my day into smaller pieces, something I did when I was learning to stay sober—one day at a time was too much at first. Make it an hour, or minutes. Breathe in. Breath out. I can do big things by doing a whole helluva bunch of small things pushed together. 

I feel like the practical things that need me to ask for help will come later—here's that waiting part again. Right now, your kind words lift me up. Yesterday I got a text from a family member to say, I'm with you and love you. It was exactly enough and exactly what I needed. 

Nuts and Bolts

I'll post updates on this site. Update posts should be shorter (this post is twice as long as I expected). Check the calendar page for my schedule of appointments, etc (from the menu up at the top), which will auto-populate as I schedule things from my phone. Leave me comments here, or text, email or call me. 

Thank you all. I feel you with me. 

Sherri

Random thoughts:

"Do not feel lonely. The entire Universe is inside you. Stop acting small. You are the Universe in ecstatic motion." ~ Rumi

"I remain optimistic until I have reason to believe otherwise." ~ me